Bein' Real

So on Sunday in service Pastor Bob asked if anyone ever text during Sunday service before. I raised my hand. That's right people I have sent and received text messages during church service. If any of you know me you know that I can't live without my phone. Don't worry though I don't make a habit out of it. I really only have text messaged in service during the time when my dad was sick. We never knew when or how his next serious bought would be so I was available via my cell at all hours of the day and night. Anyway, when I raised my hand PB chuckled (like he knew it would be me) and said "Christina, confession is good for the soul." So I have a confession.

I have a tendency in life to act like everything is ok, even when it is not. Even here on my blog I don't blog it all because you all will read it. Well lately I have been inspired by my girlfriend, who also blogs, to be real. When I think about life (all the stuff around me) and laying it out there, being real about life I think I do ok but when it comes to ME personally I have a problem. I sugar coat it all and package it pretty so no one tell.

The last couple weeks I have been struggling, really struggling! So much seems to be bothering me and I can't seem to just let it go. The weird thing is that it is a bunch of little things that all add up, nothing big. My Dad died, my Mom is struggling, she has the family living in her tiny apartment which doesn't help her dealing with her grief, she spend all her time in her room, in bed (I know that is not suppose to be ALL my problem but that is another fault I have, taking on things that aren't mine to handle). I have feelings of inadequacy in almost all areas of my life: being a mother, a wife, a youth leader, being healthy both physically and spiritually just to name a few.

Since high school, like many people, I put on weight. Well 10 years and three kids later I am not doing so well. I am now trying to get my self healthier and lose some weight. Normally my wieght doesn't bother me too much and have a pretty good attitude about it. For some reason though it is hitting me really hard this time. I need to be healthy for me but also for my family and I am having a hard time with that.

Then there is the issue of wife and mother. I stay home with my children which I feel is the best thing for them. This choice however has left us struggling ALOT with finances and I can't help but think that some of our financial struggles are my fault. Also with being home there are times when you feel less like an adult because all of your time is spent with children, no adult interaction and it tends to make me crazy. This then leads to me not really carrying my wait around the house and being lazy and this plays a part in my role as a wife.

One thing after another just keeps rolling together, like a ball, into a bigger ball of problems. So bottom line people is I am struggling. I want to be the best that I can be and right now it doesn't even seem like I care. Reality is I do, I just don't know what to do to get the ball rolling the other way.

These are my true confessions. And PB sorry for texting! lol