Happy Birthday! So ALONE!

So today is my birthday!  I am 29!  Sorry Debra you are still older then me, haha!  So nothing special for my birthday which is normally fine.  I asked Jeremy not to get me anything because I wanted to be able to have a great Christmas and give gifts and so I wanted to save the money for that.  And though most people say "don't get me anything" but expect something, I truly mean that.  I love to give anytime but due to low finances I can't so Christmas is the time that I set aside the extra funds to do so.  Anyway so nothing special, which is all good.  The one thing I did WANT was a nap but that didn't happen cause Nathan refused to fall asleep.

Ok so no nap, a tired cranky Christina finds the ceiling in the boys room leaking.  GREAT!  So I find myself slipping  into a depression.  So here is my thought process:  Why?  Yes I am tired and yes the ceiling in leaking but the day was fine.  I had a great week.  I was able to get medical assistance for the boys which will save us money and possibly some other assistance from the state!!!! Thank you Lord!  But still slipping into a depression.  What is going on?  Ok so things went great this week but still crazy.  Nathan's medical stuff was crowding me, from all those papers I was sorting through to all the papers I was filling out.  The one question that is on all the papers is "what is your support system like?"  Well I have my church family, which is a great resource but most can not physically be available for me.  I can't call my church to babysit, lol!  So then my mom who is struggling herself with the lose of her husband, starting a new job, been sick, with fear of losing the new job, and thinking she has to hold the whole family together.  So no support there, not that she wouldn't want to.  Then Todd and Tammi are in New Hampshire so they are not available and my closest friends have their own stuff that they are working through!!!

As I was walking up to the church after youth group this evening panic tore through me.  What is this, wait I have felt this before.  Tears welling in my eyes, it hits me!  I felt this way when Aaron was born.  I was ALONE.  My mom caring for my Dad who was sick, Jeremy caring for the other 2 boys, Tammi helping him, Todd in NH and me ALONE in the hospital with a new child!   Here I am again ALONE!  Not purposely but due to circumstances in everyones lives here I am ALONE!  Yes I know that my God is here with me but that doesn't help how I am feeling with the panic taking over my entire body.  

I have been so strong for everyone else that as I need support I don't know where to turn.  I have cried everyday for about 3 weeks as my Father's passing has finally hit me.  Then with all the stuff with Nathan and not knowing if I am doing everything right or making the right decisions.  I am failing apart inside.  I know this is just a season and I know that my God is with me.  I have to keep pressing through just don't like this feeling of LONELINESS!

Mile High Paper Work!

Well I took a trip to the Delaware County Assistance office today, what a busy place. I am happy to say that I was able to get oil! Praise God!

I am planning another trip there this week for Nathan's medical assistance. In order to get this done right the first time I need alot of info. At the same time I am filling out the questionnaire for the Developmental Pediatrician that we will see. So after finally getting rid of my migraine this evening I sat myself down at the dinning room table and have surrounded myself with paperwork that almost touches the ceiling.

It is all worth it to get what is needed for Nathan. Also so I only have to go to the assistance office once more (doubt it though)!!!!

Bang Head Here

So today was Nathan's Neurologist appointment. We have seen the neurologist twice before but we saw her in the Exton office which is a long ways away. Also she had a very thick accent so I had a really hard time understanding her. So for this appointment I switch to a different doctor that was ALOT closer but still in the same group.

Before I get into the appointment there are no new changes for Nathan (a good thing). We will get a repeat MRI in January and that should tell us more.

So the appointment, new doc, let's just say that I was so frustrated and mad that I left trying not to cry. I called my girlfriend to tell her something unrelated and when she asked about the appointment I lost it. I couldn't hold it in I just started to ball! No news is good news but this guys was just....idk! He checked Nathan and didn't say much. Didn't seem to pay attention to me or him, even while I was answering his questions. He was wish-washy on whether to do the MRI now or in February which is when Nathan would be 3. I didn't care either way as long as we had it done before the open heart surgery (which we are thinking of scheduling in/around April). I had to kinda force him to make a decision. And as I explained Nathan's Early intervention plan and moving to the Intermediate unit he looked at me like i was speaking another language.

I walked out of the room and stood at the front desk waiting for one of the receptionist to come take my MRI referral and fax it. It wasn't until the Doctor walked by and told them I was standing out there did someone come help me. All of them dressed in the coats, hats and gloves to head out the door. As i handed her the referral I asked for her to get me some paperwork i forgot to ask the doctor for, well she never told him. She faxed and left! I didn't know that until I peeped my head in the door to tell the Dr. I need a script for Pt also did I find out He didn't know I was waiting on anything. So while he is writing what I need everyone else left and locked us in!

I don't know if it was because it was the last appointment or because I am at a loss of ideas to get Nathan the help he needs or maybe both combined, but whatever it was I was furious it just did not go well! I wasn't even expecting anything really except for them to say "well let's do a repeat MRI, continue what you are doing, and we will see you back after the MRI". He didn't even say that, he gave me no direction, even if the direction was to continue in what we are doing! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I have tried to understanding and go with the flow but I now realize that I have to push for what I want, what Nathan needs!

Signing off,
Totally Frustrated!

Bananas

So as of Friday we have decided to start Aaron on spoon feeding with each bottle. He has done great so far. We have been mixing 1oz of his formula with cereal. Tonight we tried bananas mixed with cereal instead of formula and he was NOT having it. His face was so cute he mad the funniest "yucky" face. It could have been that I feed him most of the bottle accidentally, due to lack of attention, so he could have been full. We will try again tomorrow and see what happens!

My Young Chef

Yesterday was a fun day. We slept in some (although as you know I never get enough). I took the boys to get a hair cut, drop off some papers to the Paediatrician and then Little Jeremy and I went off to cook.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching John & Kate plus 8 and they took their older twins to cooking class. Little Jeremy loves to help in the kitchen so I decided to look up the Young Chef's Academy ( http://www.youngchefsacademy.com/ )and see what it was about. Well it just happened that they were having a free class for those that would participate in their food drive. So we grabbed some canned goods and headed to be a chef for the day.

It was AWESOME!, way too crowded (it was free) but still awesome! I could see Jeremy doing that on a weekly basis but the travel and price were a little much. So check out my new addition to the Kitchen:

Rough day!

Well today started off rough and ended rough. It wasn't a bad day just rough. The boys and I slept in until 9 (yes even Aaron), so I thought we would be good. However Jeremy and Nathan started arguing before we even made it downstairs. so I sent them in the other room and went downstairs without them. Well that was it Nathan cried because I left him upstairs and the rest of the morning he cried about every little thing that didn't go his way.

I had five children today and all of them seemed to disagree with the other, in-between the cries of and unhappy Nathan. They finally started playing nice so I let them play longer then normal and we ate lunch and went to nap late. I thought this was a good idea but naps for the tired became a hassle. Finally they all were out except Nathan. Nathan always has problems napping. When the others woke up Nathan had just fell asleep. So when they went in to wake him up, you guessed it, a crying Nathan emerged from the bedroom once more!

A whirlwind of rushing around to straighten up, change cloths, eat dinner, put shoes on and get out the door to head to church early to break down the school and setup for church. Boy did I not miss setup and tare down, thank you God for John!

So we are at church and the whole reason we are in the sanctuary instead of the parsonage basement was to use the Internet for my video's and I find out the Internet doesn't work on the sanctuary computer! After running back and forth trying to figure out if I could download the videos I needed it took 8 minutes per video. I didn't start youth group till 7:45pm and on top of that no one told me they moved the infant care so when I went down and there was no one in the infant room I brought Aaron back in the sanctuary.

We did get the Speed the Light tasks we wanted to get done, done! And I came home to go to bed and just get this day over with and as I sat here writing I turned my neck and got a kink in my neck. So I am signing off and ending this day, even though technology it has already ended as it is 12:21am right now. So without further a do, I leave you with my favorite song:

Sleep, no I never get enough, always waking up tired! Sleep, no I never get enough if I don't so up I might get fired!

(I know I got up at 9am but that still isn't enough!)

And the Tears will Fall!

Well I have been waiting for the emotions to flow. It has been three months since my Father passed away.


Sunday morning started off like any other but quickly changed pace as we off to church late. I have been sick over the holiday and heading to church Sunday seemed like the last thing I wanted to do (especially since we were late). One thing after another didn't go the way it was suppose to but finally I found my seat in the sanctuary. I was tired, late, sick and frustrated so before entering into worship I entered into prayer to help prepare myself to enter into the presence of God. We I started to sing and the next thing I knew I was crying. I sat to try to compose myself but I couldn't. I have not seen my Father up on the platform but a couple of times in the last two years and even then he wasn't leading in worship. But something about Sunday, I don't even know what song, or if that even made a difference but I realized he should have been there and he wasn't. It was the first time that it became real to me.

I haven't stopped crying since that moment. I went to the doctor yesterday and it was the first time I drove Chester Pike since we were rushing him to hospice. That day just replayed in my mind over and over. As I laid in bed last night to go to sleep feelings of guilt crept up on me. I cried for about an hour. I always had to be mean to him! It was very rare that I could just sit with him and enjoy the time. Maybe I was too strict! I guess I will never know! I wonder if he knew somewhere in there that I was doing it because I loved him.

I know we can't handle the whole picture but couldn't we just see part of it. See why he had to die, Why he couldn't be healed?! I don't understand. Lord, I know deep down that your word is real and in your word there is healing, but this is pushing me to the edge and I don't want to fall! I don't want to give way to the lies that can creep in when I am emotionally low!

And the Tears WILL Flow!!!!!!!!!!!!