Dealing with Death

Ok so most of you that read this already know that my Dad died. So I was talking with a friend about grief and started looking up the stages of grief. There are 4 different theories on the stages of grief. You can have a look for yourself if you'd like:
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html

So yes I have cried, but not much. I at first thought it was because I am busy with three children and of course all the regular stuff that comes along in life. But then I started feeling like maybe the reason I am not overly emotional is because I am not dealing with the fact that he died, so I thought hmmmm, I must be in denial. Not so sure though, cause I clearly know that he died and am clearly walking around semi-zombie like day after day. I am sure the fact that I am blogging this is part of dealing with his death as well.

I will say this, if it wasn't for my God I don't know how I would deal with even the thought of his death. I don't know how anyone could deal with death without God.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that when you listen there are a lot of things that God speaks to you about that you could miss. I don't know if I could form all of them into nicely structured blogs. I did share in my last post about the message that was spoken at Harvest and how that whole day was kinda tied together from the beginning of it as I pasted the grim reaper on Baltimore Pike (one aspect of God speaking). The message given dealt with eternity and what happens when we die. So of course there were lots of thoughts of my father, and this was another part of God speaking to me. It's all tied together, like a woven web of a spider, and I am trying so hard to untangle the web and share what God has been doing. Sorry if I go running of on a tangent with my words, or maybe I don't follow through with a complete thought, there is just so much that I can't possibly word it all, most of it spiritual, unable to even be formed in words, so just stay with me. Ok so back on track!

As the speaker, Greg Laurie, spoke about eternity he shared his story of his oldest son dieing just recently on July 24, 2008 (weird this is Aaron's birthday). Anyhoo, I realized I was at harvest for a different reason then most of the people there, those who would receive Christ as their savior for the first time, or those recommitting to Christ. No, I was there for healing purposes, to help me start dealing with my father death. Everything from the music to the message spoke to me in different ways and I could apply them to my current situation with my father's death. So, I already shared about the message and I want to share about the music, the worship.

I have never been a book person, never real good with words (as I am sure you can see from my blogging, haha), but I love music. If books were told in song form I would probably know them all. I love music. I love worshiping God through music, and God often uses songs to minister to me (or maybe due to my love of music I am more in tune with the message of the song, get it in TUNE). Ok sorry! So with every night came different songs that all could apply to my situation that helped me to continue to see God's mercy and love and His hand that continues to hold mine!

Friday night Jeremy Camp takes the stage, sings his first song, which I can't remember, then starts talking about being a new creation in Christ! NEW CREATION - 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" NEW CREATION, a song my father wrote based on this scripture! Then Jeremy Camp sang, Let it Fade. I have heard this song probably 100 times but not like this:

Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.




I often try to stand on my own too feet! I always carry the weight on my shoulders! I need to let this world fade and continue to run even closer to my God. Because one day this life I know will be gone!

Then Jeremy Camp sang, I Still Believe! Which describes how I feel almost exactly! Regardless of the fact that my father is dead, I still know God is real. Some have asked how we, my siblings and I, could stand up in front of my fathers coffin and be willing to be available to others during such a hard time and my answer would be one, that is what my dad would have wanted, that is how he lived his life, for others and two, because I STILL BELIEVE regardless of my life struggles, GOD is still real!

"I Still Believe"
Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

My God is truly an Awesome God!

Then Sunday night every song that sang was just pure worship to my savior. The Katina's and Mercy Me just ushered us into the presence of our God. They sang several songs to which we worshiped God but one song stuck out and ministered to me, Hold Fast.

Hold Fast lyrics

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

This can speak to all of us and whatever situation you may be going through, just Hold fast, Help is on the way, Hold fast, He's come to save the day. What I've learned in my life, One thing greater than my strife, Is His grasp, So hold fast! Amen?!

We can make it through anything, I can make it through this time in my life. He has never let me go, He as always been by my side! He has always been there holding my hand! HIS GRASP, holding my hand! He promised me when I went took C4 youth group to youth convention that He would always be holding my hand through this, and in my worship and the pouring out of my heart God reached down from the Heavens and literally, grasped my hand!!!!!! He promised He would never let go and He reminded me Sunday night of that promise He made to me back at youth convention!

Thank you Lord for coming to save the day! Thank you Lord for holding me so close! I love you Lord!!!!!!

So I know that regardless of what stage I'm in I'm going to be ok, because my God is holding me fast!