Can't Sleep

So what do you do when you can't sleep. Lately I have been sitting in front of the TV starring aimlessly at the screen trying to focus on the show that I am pretending to watch. I have been on autopilot. Why, I don't know. I think about why and I tell myself that I can contribute the way I feel with a couple of things, I recently had my third child, had to make the decision to not have anymore, and everyone wanted to tell me their opinion that I NEEDED to not have anymore cause three is enough. Not considering what I felt. Some liked to remind me , not very nicely, of how little money I had and that it would be stupid to have another child, however my children have yet to want for anything. Yeah we don't have the fancy cars, we may at times not have cable, and may not have all the fancy stuff, or go out often but we have everything we need. It was a very hard choice, but really, medically probably the right one. I just felt like it was never REALLY MY choice, it was the doctors strong suggestion and my friends and my family who contributed to my choice. Then of course my dad dies shortly after. Well what do you do with that. I don't even know how to feel. I just go about my daily business and try to forget. But I don't want to forget, but how do I move on.

Ok so then my mind just starts running when I turn off the TV that I was just gazing at. And when my mind starts wondering I feel like I am going crazy. So how do you deal with these feelings. Yes I have anxiety and at times find myself wondering if I am depressed (in my case if I am wondering if I am depressed, then I probably am). So then as a Christian, a person that has a personal relationship with God, I should be able to just give God my problems, give him control. Easy to say!!! BUT I have a slight problem with control. So then what, go to the doctor, get medication. Thoughts like that just seem to confirm, or make it seem as though I am admitting that I am crazy. Not to say that if I get medication it seems as if I am not relying on my God!

So I can't sleep and now I am rainting on this blog. Sorry, I guess I will try to sleep now. Goodnight!