So my second son Nathan is very energetic and is the life of the party. He can make me smile even when it is him that is making me mad.
When Nathan was born he was born with a Heart condition, that was detected before we even left the hospital, called VSD. A ventricular septal defect (VSD) is a defect (a hole) in the ventricular septum, the wall dividing the left and right ventricles of the heart.
As we followed Nathan's condition with the cardiologist, by the third visit, it was determined that this was a small hole and no invasive surgery would be need and that Nathan would live a normal life, other then having to have antibiotics prior to any dental work. Then came the next visit.
At our fourth visit we were told that Nathan had developed a second heart condition SubAortic Membrane growth. Subaortic membrane is a fibrous membrane below the aortic valve that may involve the ventricular septum, the anterior leaflet of the mitral valve, and the aortic valve itself. This can cause the the aortic valve to weekend and start leaking and can completely block flow altogether. At this visit the membrane growth was not enough to cause any damage. The cardiologist of course wanted to follow Nathan more frequently and that our percentage of having surgery had increased but at the time of the appointment was not necessary and didn't look like it would be.
THEN, our next visit, you guessed it, and third heart condition. My heart sank when the doctor came in and told me there was another. Nathan's third heart condition diagnosis was aortic valve prolapse disease. This was cause by the original diagnosis of VSD. The blood flow through the hole is causing the aortic valve to be suck down into the ventricular septum (into the hole). This again can cause problems with the structure of the valve. He then proceeded to tell me that surgery is closer then ever and also tells me that with VSD there is a possibility of a total of four heart conditions.
So here I am with my son who has three heart conditions, along with some other medical issues, and am starting to FREAK out. Why, you might ask? Well his next appointment is Nov 25th and all I can think is ok there are to possibilities here, 1. the cardiologist is going to tell me that Nathan has developed the fourth heart condition and we need to do surgery, or 2. he will tell us that because the the tree heart conditions the aortic valve has weekend and we need to do surgery.
My son, 2 1/2years old, who is scared of ants, may possibly need to have open heart surgery. Actually from what I understand it is not if he needs it, it is when he will need it. So yes I am freaking out.
Anxiety, worry, fear, all the things that do not come from my Lord are starting to take over my mind. I try to continue to hold onto what i know, that my God can do all things! I need to just keep holding on, cause no matter what happens, I STILL BELIEVE. But what if God chooses not to heal Nathan? What if he does end up having open heart surgery? I know that I can not fully comprehend that BIG picture but couldn't I just get a glimpse? If God doesn't heal him that He has another plan and I just have to trust Him. It is so much easier to say then to do!
I guess my fear is the fear of the unknown. That is my biggest fear, the fear of the unknown. How do you get over that fear? How do you surrender that to God?
2 Timothy 1:7 (King James Version)
7For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Lord Please help me to give over control of my fear and to accept your gift of power, love and a sound mind!
After an already frustrating day it didn't seem to get any easier, no matter how many Peanut M&M's I ate, haha!
Just when you think you are coming around the curve and starting to head up the mountain, you loose you footing and start slipping down! What do you do? You have good intentions, you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off many times before. Why? Why now do you have to do it again? Why can't you get a break?
The enemy doesn't want us to be happy. He doesn't want us to start back up that hill so he put some loose rocks on the way to make you slip and loose your footing! I can't stand it.
So last night I posted about in the calm and in the store, you never let go. It is easy to look to God in the calm but when it is stormy we want to curl up in the fetal position and wait for the storm to pass us by. Calm seemed to be just in your reach, just up ahead and now you have fallen and slid back down the mountain so...yes, you do it AGAIN, pick up, dust off, and never let go.
You will never be perfect! Never get it truly right! If you did then there would be no need for God.
Lord, all I want to do is lead people into a true personal relationship with you. Please give me wisdom and guidance! Fill in the gaps that I miss, as I am only human. It is not I that can save them, but only YOU and YOU ALONE!!!!!!
So here I go wiping off the dust and heading back up that hill awaiting what you have in store for me around the next corner, NEVER LETTING GO!
So today I spent most of the day in Philly getting Kali her passport so she can go on her missions trip. She is SO VERY lucky I love her. This was the third time in one week that I drove to Philly for this issue! I have lived in this area all my life and even when I fixed copiers and had to occasionally work in Philly I never spent that much time there! AAAAAHHHHHHHH! But it is done now and we will move on. Thank God!
While in Philly, I received a phone call that Jeremy's Grandma passed away last night. He has been disconnected from them for almost 10 years or so now and is a little easier on him. I on the other hand had the opportunity to visit them 3 maybe 4 times since Jeremy and I have been together and seemed to be affected by this a little more. I have been trying to work out a way to get a flight out there and was able to get a buddy pass, however all flights are booked for the weekend and I have been put on alert. Also the passes are $100 which is great I just don't know if I am going to find that anywhere! AAAAAHHHHHHHH again!
Then while I am on the phone trying to work out details GGmom Stumm and Uncle Frank stopped by and was able to lighten the mood. Here are some pics:
GGmom Stumm w/Aaron
Uncle Frank making Aaron Laugh!
Well it is not over, I am scarfing down food and I'm heading to C4! Yeah Baby!
Since Vacation Bible school this summer we have been listening to the Power Lab CD EVERY time that we get in the car. We listen so much that I had to get a second CD because the first one started to wear out! The boys can sing every song on this CD and Nathan's request is always, "turn it up louwder!" (spelling error intentional) I love my music loud so I gladly oblige! It is the best children's CD I have ever heard! A couple blogs ago I mentioned how I love music and God uses songs to speak to me. Well, I too know every song on the CD and have since July! I have heard the songs over and over and love it. Then when my father got really sick and we had to take him to Hospice, I was driving to my mothers to pick her up when 2 of the songs just stuck out as if I never heard them before.
"You Never Let Go" and "Wherever You Go", just listen to the words:
You Never Let Go
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death Your perfect love is casting out fear And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life I won’t turn back I know You are near
And I will fear no evil For my God is with me And if my God is with me Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?
Chorus: Oh no, You never let go Through the calm and through the storm Oh no, You never let go In every high and every low Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me
It is so easy to be on fire for God when everything is calm but we need to draw nearer and never let go because He is near!
Wherever You Go (Joshua 1:9)
Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous Do not be terrified do not be discouraged for the Lord your god will be with you wherever you go, Wherever you go!
I have known this verse for as long as I can remember but as I listened to it as it followed the song above, it all the sudden struck me. I was in a place of desperation not know what was going on with my Father and there it is, God commands us, to be strong and courageous. He doesn't suggest it, doesn't recommend it, He commands us be strong, courageous, have no fear, don't be discouraged, for He will be with us and go wherever we go! He is there even as you watch you father die! I didn't need to be discouraged that my father wasn't healed! God knows what He is doing better then me! I mean just look at the impact my father's life had after he died. I think the impact has been far greater then anything he could have done on earth, and God knew that! So bottom line
Never Let Go, God will be with You Wherever You Go!
So today I really have nothing much to say. Remember that semi-zombie like feeling I've been walking around in well that was my day today. Mixed in was my second trip to Philly in two days and some frustration. Oh how I love to drive to downtown Philly! That was sarcasm if you couldn't tell. Brain is in a fog! Help!
Gotta go to bed tonight since I didn't sleep at all last night! So I will leave you with a song that I found while at Creation Fest. one year:
Sleep no I never get enough, always waking up tired! Sleep no I never get enough if I don't show up I might get Fired!
The video is kinda cheesy but it is the song that describes me perfectly!
Ok so most of you that read this already know that my Dad died. So I was talking with a friend about grief and started looking up the stages of grief. There are 4 different theories on the stages of grief. You can have a look for yourself if you'd like: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html
So yes I have cried, but not much. I at first thought it was because I am busy with three children and of course all the regular stuff that comes along in life. But then I started feeling like maybe the reason I am not overly emotional is because I am not dealing with the fact that he died, so I thought hmmmm, I must be in denial. Not so sure though, cause I clearly know that he died and am clearly walking around semi-zombie like day after day. I am sure the fact that I am blogging this is part of dealing with his death as well.
I will say this, if it wasn't for my God I don't know how I would deal with even the thought of his death. I don't know how anyone could deal with death without God.
I mentioned in an earlier blog that when you listen there are a lot of things that God speaks to you about that you could miss. I don't know if I could form all of them into nicely structured blogs. I did share in my last post about the message that was spoken at Harvest and how that whole day was kinda tied together from the beginning of it as I pasted the grim reaper on Baltimore Pike (one aspect of God speaking). The message given dealt with eternity and what happens when we die. So of course there were lots of thoughts of my father, and this was another part of God speaking to me. It's all tied together, like a woven web of a spider, and I am trying so hard to untangle the web and share what God has been doing. Sorry if I go running of on a tangent with my words, or maybe I don't follow through with a complete thought, there is just so much that I can't possibly word it all, most of it spiritual, unable to even be formed in words, so just stay with me. Ok so back on track!
As the speaker, Greg Laurie, spoke about eternity he shared his story of his oldest son dieing just recently on July 24, 2008 (weird this is Aaron's birthday). Anyhoo, I realized I was at harvest for a different reason then most of the people there, those who would receive Christ as their savior for the first time, or those recommitting to Christ. No, I was there for healing purposes, to help me start dealing with my father death. Everything from the music to the message spoke to me in different ways and I could apply them to my current situation with my father's death. So, I already shared about the message and I want to share about the music, the worship.
I have never been a book person, never real good with words (as I am sure you can see from my blogging, haha), but I love music. If books were told in song form I would probably know them all. I love music. I love worshiping God through music, and God often uses songs to minister to me (or maybe due to my love of music I am more in tune with the message of the song, get it in TUNE). Ok sorry! So with every night came different songs that all could apply to my situation that helped me to continue to see God's mercy and love and His hand that continues to hold mine!
Friday night Jeremy Camp takes the stage, sings his first song, which I can't remember, then starts talking about being a new creation in Christ! NEW CREATION - 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" NEW CREATION, a song my father wrote based on this scripture! Then Jeremy Camp sang, Let it Fade. I have heard this song probably 100 times but not like this:
Have you been standing on your own feet too long? Have you been looking for a place where you belong? You can rest, you will find rest. You can rest you will find rest.
Have you been holding on to what this world has offered? Have you been giving in to all these masquerades? It will be gone, forever gone. It will be gone, it will be gone
Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let this new life offered be your saving grace. Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.
Let it fade.
I often try to stand on my own too feet! I always carry the weight on my shoulders! I need to let this world fade and continue to run even closer to my God. Because one day this life I know will be gone!
Then Jeremy Camp sang, I Still Believe! Which describes how I feel almost exactly! Regardless of the fact that my father is dead, I still know God is real. Some have asked how we, my siblings and I, could stand up in front of my fathers coffin and be willing to be available to others during such a hard time and my answer would be one, that is what my dad would have wanted, that is how he lived his life, for others and two, because I STILL BELIEVE regardless of my life struggles, GOD is still real!
"I Still Believe" Jeremy Camp
Scattered words and empty thoughts Seem to pour from my heart I've never felt so torn before Seems I don't know where to start But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain From every fingertip washing away my pain
Though the questions still fog up my mind With promises I still seem to bear Even when answers slowly unwind It's my heart I see you prepare But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain From every fingertip washing away my pain
Well the only place I can go is into your arms Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness I still believe in your truth I still believe in your holy word Even when I don't see, I still believe
My God is truly an Awesome God!
Then Sunday night every song that sang was just pure worship to my savior. The Katina's and Mercy Me just ushered us into the presence of our God. They sang several songs to which we worshiped God but one song stuck out and ministered to me, Hold Fast.
Hold Fast lyrics
To everyone who's hurting To those who've had enough To all the undeserving That should cover all of us Please do not let go I promise there is hope
Hold fast Help is on the way Hold fast He's come to save the day What I've learned in my life One thing greater than my strife Is His grasp So hold fast
Will this season ever pass? Can we stop this ride? Will we see the sun at last? Or could this be our lot in life? Please do not let go I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone And there's no way that anyone could know What you're going through But if you only hear one thing Just understand that we are all the same Searching for the truth The truth of what we're soon to face Unless someone comes to take our place Is there anyone? All we want is to be free Free from our captivity, Lord Here He comes
This can speak to all of us and whatever situation you may be going through, just Hold fast, Help is on the way, Hold fast, He's come to save the day. What I've learned in my life, One thing greater than my strife, Is His grasp, So hold fast! Amen?!
We can make it through anything, I can make it through this time in my life. He has never let me go, He as always been by my side! He has always been there holding my hand! HIS GRASP, holding my hand! He promised me when I went took C4 youth group to youth convention that He would always be holding my hand through this, and in my worship and the pouring out of my heart God reached down from the Heavens and literally, grasped my hand!!!!!! He promised He would never let go and He reminded me Sunday night of that promise He made to me back at youth convention!
Thank you Lord for coming to save the day! Thank you Lord for holding me so close! I love you Lord!!!!!!
So I know that regardless of what stage I'm in I'm going to be ok, because my God is holding me fast!
So I ended up going to all three of the Harvest meetings this weekend! What a great time. I am often doing the teaching and don't always have time to get taught, of course I have my studies and devo's but that is self taught. This was a refreshing time for me.
Do to the theme as I posted above you can conclude that there is much I can apply from what I heard to my situation with my Father passing away. Yes, there is but I am going to save that for tomorrows blog. There is just so much that I have been taking in over this weekend that I have to break it up, or as I heard a new term the other day, I have to chunk it.
So Friday I went out with a friend and our children. We went shopping. On Baltimore Pike there is an old Chrysler dealer that is now a Halloween store. As we pass this store there is a man dressed as the grim reaper and he is holding his thumb out as if he were hitching a ride. In that instant I got thinking. Turning to my girlfriend I said, "Death was hitching a ride but we can't let him in, we have had enough of that!" Of course referring to my dad! But then my thoughts continued spiritually. Death, we that are Christians we have the promise that Christ conquered death. We no longer have to worry that we will be driving and have to stop to pick up this hitch hiker!!! And how awesome, that same day my team and I take the C4 youth to Harvest and Greg Laurie speaks on this very thing, in a alittle bit of a different way of course!
Death will come it is inevitable, but where will you go? We were created to live forever, death was not the original plan, death came through sin, sin came through man (Romans 5:12). Now listen, we still live forever, immortality cool huh? Well don't get excited yet, you will live forever just not on this earth! We die on this earth but our souls live for eternity! So where will you spend your forever? There is only two choices Heaven or hell! Which will you choose?
You don't believe in hell? Jesus tells us about it in Luke 16:19-31! "The time came when the begger died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side." verses 22 - 23. Did you catch that? I don't think you can miss it I made it big and dark and I even italicized it, yes hell and it is real!
So do you know where you are spending eternity, Heaven or hell? Heaven is not your DEFAULT destination, you have to choose, and not making a choice is still choosing. But I am not the religious type, you may say. Well, good news God is not looking for the religious type, He is looking for the "Sinner" type and you qualify!
NOTHING will satisfy you until you experience Christ!
Do It NOW!
"...Now is the day of salvation" 2 Corinthians 6:2. We don't know when life will end, there is no guarantee. It has to be YOUR choice, and yours alone!
So this is what you need to do: - Admit your a sinner - Sin: trespassing, crossing the line - 1 sin is enough to keep you out of Heaven, God doesn't grade on a curve! - Recognize Jesus Died for You - John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not die." - Repent of sin - You must be sorry, but sorry enough to stop - Changed direction: You have been going away from God you need to change direction and go towards Him!
He is knocking at the door and you has already paid the price for your ticket, will you open the door and except the gift that He paid such a high price for?
Don't clean your life up before you come to God, come to God and He will clean up your life. He cleans His fish after He catches them!
