Ok so no nap, a tired cranky Christina finds the ceiling in the boys room leaking. GREAT! So I find myself slipping into a depression. So here is my thought process: Why? Yes I am tired and yes the ceiling in leaking but the day was fine. I had a great week. I was able to get medical assistance for the boys which will save us money and possibly some other assistance from the state!!!! Thank you Lord! But still slipping into a depression. What is going on? Ok so things went great this week but still crazy. Nathan's medical stuff was crowding me, from all those papers I was sorting through to all the papers I was filling out. The one question that is on all the papers is "what is your support system like?" Well I have my church family, which is a great resource but most can not physically be available for me. I can't call my church to babysit, lol! So then my mom who is struggling herself with the lose of her husband, starting a new job, been sick, with fear of losing the new job, and thinking she has to hold the whole family together. So no support there, not that she wouldn't want to. Then Todd and Tammi are in New Hampshire so they are not available and my closest friends have their own stuff that they are working through!!!
As I was walking up to the church after youth group this evening panic tore through me. What is this, wait I have felt this before. Tears welling in my eyes, it hits me! I felt this way when Aaron was born. I was ALONE. My mom caring for my Dad who was sick, Jeremy caring for the other 2 boys, Tammi helping him, Todd in NH and me ALONE in the hospital with a new child! Here I am again ALONE! Not purposely but due to circumstances in everyones lives here I am ALONE! Yes I know that my God is here with me but that doesn't help how I am feeling with the panic taking over my entire body.
I have been so strong for everyone else that as I need support I don't know where to turn. I have cried everyday for about 3 weeks as my Father's passing has finally hit me. Then with all the stuff with Nathan and not knowing if I am doing everything right or making the right decisions. I am failing apart inside. I know this is just a season and I know that my God is with me. I have to keep pressing through just don't like this feeling of LONELINESS!
1 comment:
Firstly, we feel terrible we forgot it was your birthday because of all our stuff. I know what it's like to have a birthday that doesn't seem special to anyone, including yourself!
Having had a few moments of lonliness myself, I'm starting to think that they have a very real purpose, and that is to remind us why God is the only one who can be there for us WHENEVER. If we had all the support around us, when would we realize that our hearts need HIM alone, because even if all the kids, money and work is taken care of, only our Creator can know what needs to be healed in our hearts.
It is the needs of our heart that are most crucial, yet most hidden. As when our hearts our strong, the other stuff is just stuff. And when we are mindful of God's sovereign power, we can love others more because we do not need them with such hunger.
I hope this perspective helps you to embrace this loneliness as a call from God to run to Him. And please, remind me of the same when I reach that place, as is inevitable for us all.
Love ya. Miss ya. Lion bars on the way!!
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