And the Tears will Fall!

Well I have been waiting for the emotions to flow. It has been three months since my Father passed away.


Sunday morning started off like any other but quickly changed pace as we off to church late. I have been sick over the holiday and heading to church Sunday seemed like the last thing I wanted to do (especially since we were late). One thing after another didn't go the way it was suppose to but finally I found my seat in the sanctuary. I was tired, late, sick and frustrated so before entering into worship I entered into prayer to help prepare myself to enter into the presence of God. We I started to sing and the next thing I knew I was crying. I sat to try to compose myself but I couldn't. I have not seen my Father up on the platform but a couple of times in the last two years and even then he wasn't leading in worship. But something about Sunday, I don't even know what song, or if that even made a difference but I realized he should have been there and he wasn't. It was the first time that it became real to me.

I haven't stopped crying since that moment. I went to the doctor yesterday and it was the first time I drove Chester Pike since we were rushing him to hospice. That day just replayed in my mind over and over. As I laid in bed last night to go to sleep feelings of guilt crept up on me. I cried for about an hour. I always had to be mean to him! It was very rare that I could just sit with him and enjoy the time. Maybe I was too strict! I guess I will never know! I wonder if he knew somewhere in there that I was doing it because I loved him.

I know we can't handle the whole picture but couldn't we just see part of it. See why he had to die, Why he couldn't be healed?! I don't understand. Lord, I know deep down that your word is real and in your word there is healing, but this is pushing me to the edge and I don't want to fall! I don't want to give way to the lies that can creep in when I am emotionally low!

And the Tears WILL Flow!!!!!!!!!!!!